OMG! Yay! I get to take a phone shift all night Monday for the helpline for alcoholics. I can’t wait to keep giving back what has been given to me so far.
Keep giving…it’s not all about me…thank you God for the signs and opportunities.
Thought of the day:
"Your beliefs do not make you a better person. Your behaviour does"
I need to always remember this. Currently, I think I feel ready to own up to my horrible, mean side that I unleashed on undeserving individuals. It’s taken me a long time to finally feel this strongly about apologizing. Heck, I don’t know if they will even care.
Definitely zero expectation to ever be friends again or for them to forgive me. I ‘d be pissed at me if I were them, too. That, or very scared of me because I was (and could still be, but I think at a much lesser extent) crazy. I’ve used, abused, and taken many people for granted. And been a bitch who retaliated. The list goes on…
But I want them to know that I am sorry. And to maybe not look back in anger or hate someday with what I’ve done. Then we can all go on our own life paths without a sour memory of each other. Most importantly, I will be conscious of my choices from here on compared to before where I was spreading hate left right and centre.
I read my blog entries after and 90% of the time I facepalm at how dumb they sound.
That’s the beauty of having this as my online little diary. I can just “delete” instead of physically tearing pages out of a book and feeling compelled to burn them.
Sometimes God speaks through other people.
The old me would have been upset at this person for saying the things I heard today, but instead I am forever grateful to hear him call me out on my shit. In fact, I bet the old me would have avoided him like the plague after the meeting. How strange that I listened this time! If he didn’t care, then he wouldn’t have even mentioned what he did tonight infront of everyone. His words, as blunt as they might have been, could very well save my life.
Phew, I love strangers like him who care. Even if it doesn’t feel like it at first. 💕
Thought of the day: holding anger/resentment towards another person throughout life is like you drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.
Frustrated with myself and forgiveness
I realize more than ever my character flaws and mean side.
I’m frustrated with how I treat others at times. Usually those closest to me. I will be honest, I try to make myself look good in order to put a fear in another person that I could leave them anytime because “I’m so special.” Like, who the fuck do I think I am? It’s kind of like I fear being inadequate or of being deemed unworthy, so I act like like I’m the shit in order to not feel those things. It’s dumb mind games and I am going to stop using them on others. I apologized, but I need to do more than that and quit doing it. To repeat this behaviour would point to my apology being insincere. And it wasn’t.
I definitely believe that it’s so important to try to cause as little harm in this life to others (including yourself) as possible. Well, I’ve done my share of harm to perfectly kind people and to myself. No one deserved to be treated that way and I have remorse in my heart. I don’t consider anyone in this world my “enemy”, and I do not wish anyone a life of sadness or pain. I pray each night to forgive others easily and to be forgiven someday in return by others for being a malicious person before.
I used to hate criticism from others, even constructive criticism. It made me think like, “what right do YOU have to say those things?” Now, I can see how I can take it and apply lots of feedback I get into my life for the better. It’s easier to jump to a conclusion of what a person is saying rather than hear then out to the end. I’m working on setting my initial reactions to hearing “bad stuff” about me aside and aiming to listen first, THEN decide to either use it or refute it.
I will never get along with everyone. To some I may be the greatest friend, and to others I may very well be the spawn of the devil. I can’t come across as a person with good intentions to everybody, and sometimes with some people I may totally fuck up. I’m human, and the older I get the kinder I become to myself. I allow myself to survive making mistakes, but I take inventory and think to myself of how I can fix myself so next time I don’t do the same thing to another person/friend. I admit that I don’t apologize to everyone that I’ve hurt…mainly because I feel like they won’t want to even hear me out. Some connections are just dead. Best to leave those individuals alone maybe and accept that what’s done is done.
But then comes in the whole topic of self respect. I think it’s a sign of self respect to forgive and to seek forgiveness, even if those people never hear it come from your mouth. Treating both my life and others lives with more care/love from here on are my way of actively apologizing and trying to undo the harm I inflicted. I know it may not be directly helping the people I initially hurt, but we are all connected in this world by the air we breathe. We are all one.
Even if they never forgive me, I won’t ever stop trying to improve myself. I don’t want to be a destructive, poisonous person in this world.